


Secrets

by showtiime



Series: Jamilton College Adventures [3]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Depression, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Therapy, but the ending is happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-20
Updated: 2016-06-20
Packaged: 2018-07-16 07:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7257787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/showtiime/pseuds/showtiime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander knows he shouldn't, but when he discovers that he arrived early at Jefferson's apartment, he can't help himself. The temptation (and worry) is too much for him, and he ends up finding out more about Thomas than he ever imagined.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secrets

Alexander knows he shouldn't.

He saw on his way to Jefferson's apartment that the man's car wasn't in its normal parking spot, so he knew as his polite knocks were met with silence that he was early. Taking out the spare key Jefferson gave him, he takes a moment to appreciate him for not asking for it back as he steps inside.

He went over to sit on the couch, and noticed immediately how quiet everything was. Silence isn't good for him, especially then, because he began to think, and his mind chose to think about the past month with Thomas.

He doesn't know what Thomas wants from him, if he's just his little fuck toy that he'll throw away sooner or later, or if he's working for an actual relationship. He thought all Thomas wanted from him was sex, but these last few weeks had changed his view, and just confused him even more.

Thomas now refuses to let him touch him. He'll gladly put his hands on Alexander, has no problem throwing his clothes aside to pay attention to his body, but when he tries to pull off Thomas's, the man will just shake his head and shove his hands aside. Alexander watches him when he does this, and notices a hint of fear in his eyes. He's tried asking him, but Thomas only brushes it off with a shrug. Alexander worried that it was _him_ that Jefferson was fearful of, but when he asked, Thomas snorted and said, "Don't flatter yourself, Hamilton."

He's become even more territorial of his apartment (Alexander considered it a miracle that he didn't ask for his spare key back). Alexander thought at first that Thomas was just a naturally private person and wanted to keep his personal things to himself, but now he's limited practically everything. He won't let Alexander go through his cupboards, always says, "Don't rummage around, Alexander," when he goes to use his bathroom, and he doesn't even want him in his bedroom anymore. Anything that Thomas wishes to do to Alexander is usually on his couch, or in one of their dorms when either's roommate is gone.

He asked James if he knew what was wrong with Thomas. The man looked thoughtful, but before Alexander could ask him what he was thinking about, he said, "I don't really know, honestly. Maybe you should ask him yourself." Alexander tried, though, and that didn't work. All he got were vague answers and a weird feeling. He even tried asking Hercules, Thomas's roommate, but he shrugged and said he didn't notice anything.

Alexander has no idea why Jefferson's suddenly acting so weird, and it worries him.

So now, alone in his apartment, he knows he shouldn't, and he tries to respect that by attempting to take his mind off of the temptation. However, after a few boring minutes of trying and failing to distract himself with music and apps, he figures one little look around can't hurt anything.

 _Hope Jefferson isn't a serial killer_ , Alexander thinks as he stands up and walks to the man's bedroom. He cracks open the door, and even though he's been inside this room before, he feels an annoying prickle of guilt for being there without Thomas's permission. He squashes it down and walks over to the bed, dragging a gentle hand down the soft blankets. Nothing unusual.

First, he goes to the nightstand. He doesn't find anything particularly interesting in there, just his packets of condoms, lube, a few pieces of paper, a small metal box, and some pens. He's tempted to look at the papers and rifle through the box, but then he decides to leave it alone.

Then, he goes to his closet. Nothing shocking in there, only a few shirts and sweatshirts next to the stupid, fancy outfits he insists on wearing. Alexander is at least grateful that he doesn't find a dead body in there.

He leaves his room and goes to the bathroom, remembering the fit Jefferson had about him going through his stuff in there. He doesn't think much of it, seeing his toothbrush and toothpaste on the counter, and ridiculously expensive hair products in his shower. Debating whether or not to try the medicine cabinet, he eventually pulls it open and looks inside.

At first, he only scans over it, not seeing anything too surprising. Then, his eyes catch on an orange bottle, and his curiosity gets the best of him. Grabbing it and reading the label, Alexander tilts his head at it in confusion until he recognizes what it is.

 _Thomas takes medicine for depression?_ Alexander thinks with a suddenly rapid beating of his heart. He puts the orange bottle back and looks at the other orange bottles similar to it, reading the names and finding they're all used for the same thing.

Alexander feels the wave of guilt come back over him at the same time he's hit with the memories of the past month. _Thomas not wanting me to go through his apartment. Thomas not letting me touch him anymore. Thomas no longer letting me into his room..._

He puts all of the pill bottles back and races to his room, going back to the nightstand and grabbing the metal box. Practically ripping it open, he brushes the small pieces of paper at the top aside to reach the bottom.

Alexander hears himself make a noise that resembles a mix between a squeak and a sob.

He picks up the first small razor he sees in a trembling hand, the gray metal glinting from the sun outside. His grip on it is tight and the sharp edge hurts him, but he can't drop it. He finds more than just that one in there, all different shapes and sizes. He sees his tears falling onto the surface, but he doesn't brush them aside. All he does is sit there, for God knows how long, tears falling into the small box in his lap.

Eventually, he hears the front door open. Thomas must have seen his car as he hears a called out greeting to him, but he can't move. He doesn't even try to as Thomas's footsteps race toward the room, pausing as he stands at the door to look at Alexander.

Neither speak for what seems like hours until Thomas walks over to the bed, gently taking the box from Alexander's grip. Alexander feels his hand open as the small razor he grabbed falls onto the sheets. Thomas looks at it for a second, then takes it and puts it back in the box. Alexander doesn't even register that he's sobbing until Thomas sets the box aside and pulls him into a hug, whispering, "Shhh, shhh, Alexander..."

Alexander grips him tightly, weeping into his neck as he refuses to move. _Thomas. My Thomas..._ He's shaking, he feels Thomas shaking, too, but he can't say anything. His throat feels constricted and he feels sick to his stomach, but he can't leave Thomas. He can't ever leave him again.

"I told you not to go through my stuff, you little shit," Thomas whispers, his voice cracking. He rubs a hand up and down Alexander's back, trying to calm him down. "You insufferable boy. Why couldn't you have just left it alone?"

Alexander only cries harder, finding his voice and whispering a broken, "Thomas," through his sobs. At his name, Thomas grips Alexander tighter, burying his face in his neck as he tries to keep himself under control. Thomas's shaking increases from the effort of holding in his own cries. Alexander takes a deep breath to force himself to calm down in order to speak.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Alexander asks, placing his chin on Thomas's shoulder.

Thomas doesn't speak for a few minutes as he sniffles and gets himself calm enough to speak without being interrupted by his tears. When he does, he mutters, "I didn't want you to feel like you had some kind of obligation to help me."

Alexander turns his head questioningly. "What if I want to help?"

Thomas shakes his head. "I don't need your help."

Alexander turns his head back to the box with a pained expression. "You need someone's help." As Thomas continues shaking his head, Alexander asks, "Did you tell anyone else?"

Thomas pauses and says, "No. I almost told James, because he saw..." He stops speaking there.

Alexander knows what he means. He relucantly pulls away and grabs the sleeve of Thomas's shirt, asking, "Will you show me?"

Thomas hesitates, but grabs his sleeves and rolls them up. He casts his eyes away as Alexander hiccups on a whimper, looking at the damage Thomas did to himself. He cradles his arm and stares at the dark, crimson cuts that rest on his soft skin. Alexander runs a hesitant hand over them. They feel strange and horrifying under his fingers.

"Does this hurt?" Alexander asks Thomas when he sees the man wincing.

He shakes his head. "No," he answers, "it's just that... I never expected... I didn't want you to--" He breaks off, biting his lip as he cuts off a sob that wanted to escape. The tears fall freely, and Thomas wipes an angry hand over his eyes. Alexander lets the sleeves fall back down, and he shifts to lie down on the bed. He tugs Thomas with him, and the man's resolve breaks as Alexander pulls him against his chest.

He cries in Alexander's arms, whispering, "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry," over and over again. Alexander pets his hair gently, saying reassuring words back and kissing his forehead. He feels the tears gather back in his eyes, but he doesn't acknowledge them. He only holds Thomas, who is still shaking and crying. It breaks Alexander's heart.

Once he's calm, Alexander asks, "What did you tell James, then?" He remembers the thoughtful look on his face when Alexander asked him if he knew what was happening with Thomas. _He was suspicious, too_ , Alexander realizes.

"That Lucy did it," Thomas replies.

Alexander shakes his head sadly and tightens his hold on Thomas. _But he took the lie, because he never thought Thomas would do something like this._

Thomas sighs shakily and doesn't try to move. "You should have told me when all of this started," Alexander whispers.

Thomas gives a weak laugh. "I've had depression for awhile, before we were--" He cuts himself off, because he, just like Alexander, doesn't know what they are. Before Alexander can acknowledge it, with another smile, Thomas says, "I'm guessing you found all of my pill bottles, too."

Alexander nods guiltily, and Thomas shakes his head. "Gave you specific directions to stay out of my stuff, Hamilton," he whispers into his chest. "Do you ever listen to what others tell you?"

"You were worrying me," Alexander defends himself, shifting to look at Thomas. "I'd say it's a good thing I didn't listen to you."

Thomas only shakes his head again and hides his face in Alexander's shoulder. "Don't tell anyone else," he murmurs. Alexander promises quietly that he won't.

"Do you go to a therapist for this?" Alexander asks.

Thomas shakes his head and gives a bitter laugh. "Not anymore."

"You should at least see a therapist, maybe they can help," Alexander says softly.

Thomas snorts. "Tried that before, it didn't work out."

"What if I go with you?"

He gives Alexander an angry look. "I don't want your pity, Hamilton," he mutters.

"It's not that," Alexander says, hugging him closer. "I want to help."

"Oh, yeah?" Thomas asks suspiciously. "Why's that? Would it disgust you to have someone with a mental disorder--?"

Alexander puts his hand over his mouth, knowing what he was going to say and not giving him a chance to say it. " _Christ_ , why would you ask something like that?" Alexander says with disbelief, shocked that Thomas would even try to suggest such a thing. "It's not just about sex. I want to help you because I _care_ , damn it, I care about you and I want you to get better."

Huffing, Thomas curls further into Alexander's arms. "You'll really come with me?" he asks.

Alexander nods.

Thomas is quiet for a few minutes, and Alexander thinks he dozed off until he mutters, "Fine."

Alexander smiles, nuzzling him affectionately as he is finally lulled to sleep. Alexander can't sleep, though, it's too early for him. He only cuddles closer to him, thinking to himself.

He ends up making himself cry again.

After a few minutes, an idea pops into his head, and he shifts away so he won't wake up Thomas. Standing up, he grabs the metal box and hurries out of his apartment.

Going to his car, Alexander puts the box on the passenger seat and promises himself to throw it away later. He goes back inside, and back to Thomas's bed.

When he wakes up, Alexander tells him what he did. Thomas doesn't look happy about it, but he nods in acceptance and cuddles back in Alexander's embrace, then tells him to go to sleep.

He does.

\---

Alexander sits in the waiting room, holding Thomas's hand. "It'll be okay," Alexander assures him, seeing him tap a fast, nervous rhythm on his knee with his other hand.

"I know," he mutters, "it's just been awhile since I've..."

Alexander nods. "I'll be right there with you," he promises, squeezing his hand. Thomas only nods in response.

They wait a few more minutes until a woman with curly brown hair steps into the room. She's wearing a white lace shirt with light blue jeans, and her gray eyes are as soft as rain. She asks kindly, "Thomas Jefferson?"

The grip on Alexander's hand tightens. Alexander gives him a reassuring look, standing up first. Thomas stands up beside him, and as they walk over to her, Alexander asks, "Is it okay if I come in with Thomas?"

The woman nods with a smile. "Follow me," she says, leading them into the hallway and into a room. The walls are a bright lavender color, with pictures and quotes on the wall. Some are professional paintings, others are a simple drawing on lined paper. The chairs they sit in are soft and comfortable, and the woman sits on a chair opposite of them.

"My name is Blake Coleman," the woman introduces herself. She holds out her hand to Thomas, and as he shakes it, she asks, "I'm guessing you're Thomas, then?"

Thomas nods. Blake seems to notice that he's still nervous, so she turns to Alexander and does the same, asking, "So then, who are you?"

"My name's Alexander," he replies, shaking her hand. Blake nods in response, and sits back with her clipboard.

"Since this is your first day, we don't have to talk about anything major yet," she says, turning her eyes back to Thomas. "Unless you want to, of course."

Thomas shakes his head, even though he looks confused as to what they'd do if he wasn't there for that. "I'd rather not just yet," he mutters.

Blakes nods and leans forward. "I'd just like to get to know you," she says. "It doesn't have to be too personal right now, it can anything."

Shifting, Thomas still looks nervous, but he tells her what he can think of. He's a college student, he likes animals, gardening, debating. Alexander huffs a laugh at that, and at Blake's questioning eyes, he only shakes his head.

"Oh yes, he _loves_ debating," Alexander says. Nudging his arm, he adds, "I always win though, right?"

Thomas snorts at that, responding with, "You don't win, Hamilton. You just talk too much and annoy whoever you're trying to debate."

"It works though, doesn't it?"

"Actually, no, because anytime you debate me, _I'm_ the one who wins."

"You wish!" Alexander laughs, and after another minute of squabbling, they both remember where they're at. Alexander turns back and sees Blake watching them through thoughtful and confused eyes.

"You talk as if you're enemies," Blake says.

He laughs again and says, "Oh, no. We got over that awhile ago, he's my boyfriend now." Alexander realizes what he said a second too late, but he doesn't try to backtrack. Thomas is looking at him, but Alexander doesn't turn to meet his eyes. He only watches Blake as she nods in acceptance of his answer.

They talk more about Thomas's interests, and when he tells Blake he likes playing the violin, she beams and tells him of her daughter who also plays and writes her own songs. Thomas smiles, and they about different types of music for the rest of the time. Alexander will sometimes add his own thoughts, but for once, he's content to just sit and listen.

Once the hour is up, Blake looks at her clock and says, "It was nice meeting you both. If you would like to, we can arrange another appointment now, or later?"

"Now," Thomas answers immediately, and they decide to meet next week on Wednesday. When Thomas looks questioningly at him, Alexander smiles and nods to let him know he'll go with him again.

"I'll see you two later!" Blake says as they leave her office. They say their goodbyes and step outside.

Once his feet touches the pavement, Thomas lets out a deep breath. Smirking, he looks at Alexander and asks, "So, boyfriend?"

"Oh, don't start--" Alexander grumbles, but is cut off when Thomas spins him around to face him. Grabbing his shirt, Thomas pulls him into a sweet kiss. Alexander is aware they're in public and that people are probably watching them with disgust, but he can't bring himself to move away from him. Not when Thomas is doing something especially _heavenly_ with his tongue, and _shit_ , it's _too good--_

Thomas does pull away though, and he's still wearing that smirk as he looks at a panting and shocked Alexander. "I never officially asked you, did I?" Thomas asks.

Alexander's voice feels stuck in his throat, so he shakes his head. His stupid heart starts to skip fast with anticipation.

"Well, Alexander Hamilton," Thomas begins, moving close enough that their chests are touching, "would you do me the honor of being my boyfriend?"

Giving a breathless laugh, Alexander responds, "Obviously," as he drags Thomas down into another kiss. He feels him chuckle, which Alexander responds to by kissing him harder.

"Okay, okay, plenty of time to celebrate at my apartment," Thomas says with amusement as he pulls away before Alexander can grip onto him any harder. Alexander pouts, but nods as they make it to Thomas's car.

Taking another deep breath as he starts the car, Thomas says, "Thanks for coming with me, by the way." His voice is shy, almost inaudible.

Alexander is still smiling, and he says with a voice annoyingly adoring to his ears, "It's no problem, Thomas." Thomas only smiles back affectionately as he drives them back to his apartment.

Once they get there, Alexander makes a move to go to the bedroom, but Thomas shakes his head and pulls him over to the couch. Alexander has a sinking feeling that he still doesn't want him in his room, but it falls aside as Thomas wraps a blanket around them and pulls up Netflix.

"You good with Chinese food?" Thomas asks, pulling out his phone.

Alexander nods with a grin, and as Thomas orders their food, he scrolls around until he finds a movie they can watch. Thomas sets his phone down once he's done, and Alexander presses play.

"I don't feel a hundred percent happy yet, though," Thomas mutters, grabbing Alexander and maneuvering them so his chest is pressed against Alexander's back.

Alexander feels a painful tug at his heart. _Oh, Thomas..._ He lets his head fall back against Thomas's shoulder. "It'll take some time," he murmurs. Nuzzling his neck, he asks, "What can I do to help?"

Thomas smiles and hums at the touch, but then as he thinks of something, he nudges him to look at him and says in a serious tone, "I want you to forgive Laurens and Lafayette."

Alexander gives him a confused look, so Thomas continues, "Look, I know you aren't petty, you're just extremely stubborn. I also know you want to be friends with them again, and we both know they want the same. I don't like seeing you miserable because you miss them."

Alexander takes a moment to consider it. He really _does_ miss his best friends, and he knows they would gladly accept him back. He also knows the separation has been hard on Angelica, Eliza, Peggy, and Hercules, too, as they don't know who to side with.

He's had a long time to think, though, and he has no grudge against them anymore. Besides, he has Thomas now. Finally, he shrugs and says, "I've already forgiven them."

Thomas smiles and hugs him tighter. "Good," he says. "I expect to see you seeing beside them tomorrow in class."

Alexander looks at him again in surprise, and responds, "I don't want to leave you, though."

Thomas rolls his eyes. "I have James," he says. "Besides, I think I can go one class without sitting next to you, right?"

"But you're my boyfriend now!" Alexander whines.

He smiles in amusement. "Then you'll just have to convince them to sit in the back with us," Thomas responds, giving him a soft kiss.

The food eventually comes, and they eat as they watch the movie. Alexander quickly devours his, setting the box aside and pressing kisses against Thomas's neck.

"I'm still trying to-- _ah_ , eat, you dumbass," he grumbles, half-heartedly attempting to push him away. Alexander only laughs and gives him a final kiss, then he moves to face the screen.

"What's even happening?" Alexander asks.

Thomas shrugs. "I wasn't really paying attention," he admits, resting his chin on Alexander's head, "you're too distracting."

"I'll take that as a compliment," Alexander says, trying to huddle further in Thomas's arms. After a few minutes, Thomas puts his own box of food on the table next to Alexander's, then wraps his arms around him and envelops them in the blanket, the movie forgotten.

They end up with Thomas on his back and Alexander sitting on top of him, shirt thrown to the ground. He lets Alexander pull off his shirt, and at the sight of his scars, Thomas shrinks away. His upset and shameful expression tears Alexander apart, so he caresses his arms with his thumb and kisses him softly.

"Please don't ever hide something like this from me again," Alexander murmurs.

Thomas hesitates for a moment, then says, "I won't."

Pulling away, Alexander gives him a serious look and says, "I mean it, Thomas. I don't want you to suffer through this without someone helping you."

Huffing, he replies faster, "I _got_ it, Hamilton, I promise I'll go to you when I need help. Just get back down here." Without waiting for a response, he loops his arms around Alexander's neck and drags him back down to his mouth. Alexander gladly presses their chests together, moaning into the kiss.

"Missed this," Alexander pants as Thomas undoes his belt. "Missed you _so fucking much_..."

"I know, love, I know," Thomas murmurs, pushing his pants down and then reaching for Alexander's.

Alexander snorts a laugh into his neck as he feels his pants slip down his waist. At Thomas's confused eyes, he says, "If someone told me three months ago that Thomas Jefferson would call me 'love', I would have laughed."

That makes Thomas chuckle, and as he pushes their hips together, he says breathlessly, "Nah, you would've punched them."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

They both have a moment of laughter, which is cut off as Alexander sighs, "Oh, _fuck_ , that feels amazing. Now, would you hurry up and fuck me?"

"Gladly." Alexander hooks his legs around Thomas's waist and kisses his neck as he carries him to his bedroom.

Afterwards, Alexander makes it back to his dorm late again, but he can't find it in himself to complain.

\---

The next day in class, Alexander walks up to John with Thomas at his side.

John looks at them, his expression mixed with surprise and hope. "Hey," he greets them, looking between him and Thomas. Lafayette and Eliza notice and turn to watch them, both wisely staying quiet.

 _Here it goes_ , Alexander thinks, trying to keep calm. Taking in a deep breath, he says quickly, "Look, I forgive you and Laf and I really want us to be friends again, so I was wondering if you guys wanted to sit in the back with us?"

John's eyes widen, and he stares at Lafayette and Eliza. They look joyful, and nod eagerly.

"We'd love to, _mon ami_ ," Lafayette says, beaming. They all stand up and grab their things, following Alexander and Thomas as they walk up the rows.

James looks surprised to see them all, but waves politely at the crowd. "Welcome to our table!" he says.

They smile and wave at him, shifting around to find where they want to sit. James ends up sitting in the corner with Thomas on his right. Alexander sits next to Thomas, John sits next to Alexander, and Lafayette sits next to John with Eliza on the end. 

"James, you should move to the end and sit next to Eliza," Alexander hears Thomas whisper to his friend.

James snorts. "You just want your corner back," he responds.

"Hey, it's not that! It's just that, well, I have Alexander, Laurens has Lafayette..."

Before James can say anything, Eliza calls to him, "I am not going to be set up with Madison!" They all laugh at that while James huffs and attempts to shield his red face.

As the conversation continues easily, Alexander watches Thomas. He's resting his cheek in the palm of his hand, staring at nothing in particular and smiling. Unable to help himself, Alexander grabs his hand. "Nice idea you had," he whispers to Thomas.

"I know," he responds, turning his head to look at Alexander.

He doesn't know how long they were looking at each other with adoration, but it must have been awhile as James pokes Thomas's shoulder and whispers, "Jefferson, your gay is showing."

"I know," Thomas repeats, not turning away.

John laughs and says something with a shake of his head, but Alexander isn't listening. He thinks again of these past months with Thomas, and everything he's learned about him. Squeezing his hand, he tries to convey every indescribable emotion he's feeling into his expression.

Thomas must notice, because his eyes fall shut and his smile softens to form a lovely picture of contentment. He leans in for a quick kiss, then squeezes Alexander's hand back in response.

**Author's Note:**

> i made myself sad writing this i'm sorry
> 
> this wasn't supposed to be sad actually, i had another idea that would have been funnier but then my mind was like "cool but hey how about you write angst instead"
> 
> i tried to make it happier with the ending but idk...
> 
>  
> 
> i hope you guys liked this !!


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